Sunday, October 12, 2014

PhenomenONON - Joint Trail with OTH4 for Last Leg of RDR

White House Trail #1587, October 12th, 2014

Hares: Captain Bangaroo, Scrumbag, Cum Brew Lay, District 69 andOsama Bin Hashing

Brew Crew: Sorest Rum and YOCO

Since we partnered with OTH4 this week, here's a recap of those who came first and last:

FRB: All the Way In
FBI: More Men
DFL: Bad Dog

Elmo's Fuck Buddy was violated for passing out in multiple places all weekend and not knowing how a pair of men's underwear got in her bag! (I guess you could say she's used to...sleeping around.)

Boxx Spring, Slimy Limey, Fire in the Hole and Wookin' Pa Nub were all cited for leaving Dwarfus Interruptus behind at the Metro. ("It's nothing personal," explained Slimy, "we thought you were your brother!")

All Flash No Drive was violated for wearing fairy wings and saying, "I'm wearing these to lure pedophiles away from children!"...right before Tony Panda was heard saying, "Riding a bike isn't hard - it's like hooking up with a fifth grader." ("It's not what you think!" he exclaimed. "I meant that you never forget how to hit on underage girls!")

S&M Man was cited for needing a police warrant to take drugs out of a patient's butthole! (Usually cops are more lenient about this sort of thing, but the officer on duty was pretty anal.)

3-Holer was violated for leaving RDR early to run with the men's hash (in hisdress), ran through an obvious back check onto train tracks, and almost got hit by a train...and that's not very safe! (Ironically, that was still less dangerous than anything in the movie "Trainspotting".)

Osama Bin Hashing was cited for wearing shorts so frayed they had to have belonged to Bad Dog! (I hadn't seen anything that ripped and torn since Vin Diesel couldn't make up his mind!)

On - good luck navigating the Red Line - on,

Ginger Snatch

Red Dress Run Recovery

Hangover Trail #38

Hares: Saigon Sally, Camo Sutra, Fister Roboto, Friends don't let friends f*ck fat chicks (F5)

The morning after the Red Dress Run is generally a time of reflection on how one, in the mere course of 36 hours, could become dissolute, dissipated and depraved, yet still miss the goal of debauchery. But on a crisp fall sunny Sunday morning, more than one hundred souls shouldered that immense burden with the goal of desorbing enough of their recent excesses on a eagerly anticipated non-shiggified run, with the clear goal of having a bit of exercise followed by a quick reprise of the glory that beer and friends can bestow.

JustIn Beaver did her best in trying to capture the attention of the pack and lead them through the H4 oath and a rousing rendition of “Drink the Tequilla.”

We then began a happily dispirited shamble out of circle, interrupted by an unduly-spirited sprinter who solved the first check left up 13thStreet (more about him later). The pattern was then set for up a street, down an alley, up an alley, across a street, down a street, repeat, repeat, repeat. [This applies to the turkeys and "stupid" eagles, the Penguins were more of a wandering walk some blocks to an alley, go in for shots if there are any left, then repeat three times until the on in.]

The rhythm was happily interrupted with a clearly marked trail that ended up, bang, in a box alley a mere 10’ deep, but lo and behold, on the fire escape was a black trash bag filled with bottles of bubbly and cartons of orange juice for Mimosas. A shortage of paper cups was quickly resolved by the clever use of one’s mouth to mix (i.e., take a swallow of OJ, then a swallow of champagne, swhish, repeat).

The alley, street, alley pattern was resumed and the pack was now so spirited that it flashed by the Embassy of Kazakhstan without a pause. Then onto a parking garage with four spirited loops down to P2 to an interior stairwell, emerging into the sun and glaring bright lights of the paparazzi (in this case, Saigon Sally, doing his best impersonation of an Italian cameraman).

More alleys, streets, alleys, etc. to a teasing foray across 14th St. and into the alley behind Le Diplomate so that the tantalizing aroma of one of DC’s best special occasion brunch places could be sampled, free of charge, before pounding on. A momentary reprieve for tired feet was provided by the rubberized surface of the Cardozo Playground, but then back into weaving our way through streets and alleys. The tantalizing mark of “BN” encouraged the pack onward, down another alley past the Hospital for Horses and Dogs to a serious steel fence. Not a simple chain link fence but black industrial steel with pickets extending 8” above the 5’ high top brace. A truly formidable barrier to separate the strong and courageous from the, well... smarter. As was subsequently reported, the reward of going over that barrier three times, in three different spots, and under a 6’ high chain link fence, was a sip/swallow/glug of an excellent Bloody Mary concoction.

Those who survived proceeded apace to go under the walkway that connects the new DC Convention Center to the, well, Convention Center, which allows cars, and also people to continue west on L St. to 7th St., not at all far from the apr├Ęs site. But were we to be allowed to finish our journey yet? NO.

On through a Japanese Zen garden in the almost completed City Place megapolis. Then we proceeded past Samuel Gompers (an early hero of the labor movement) park and into the cool confines of the Verizon Center. Well, as it turns out, actually the delights of its parking garage with a burst of speed to, f***, the seeming thousands who had beat the FRBs to the finish line.

But, there was still beer in coolers, a chance to tell lies about how quick and daring and strong we were, and then the circle, to remind us that we're not. Speaking of which...

Care Bear was violated for bringing a piece of luggage to trail that wouldn't have fit on a plane (remember, folks, check your airport suitcases AT THE AIRPORT!)
District 69 was violated for not knowing where the joint WH4/OTH trail was later that day, which would usually have been okay, if she WASN'T A HARE!
Daddy's Dick was violated for being FRB by cheating (yes, yes, usually acceptable hash behavior) even though somehow in circle he knew that a three-minute start is exactly 180 seconds long. Let's hope he doesn't do everything prematurely *wink* for Do Lay Me's sake!
Tony Panda was violated for giving Shamrock Your Cockthe lame excuse that his arm was sore after pouring 666 jello shots, and Shamrock was violated for believing that was the real reason his arm was so tired!

Then the pack retreated to Fado for social drinking and a delicious brunch. See you in November!

Yours in the Hash,

Queen of the Jungle

F*cking Squid

Thursday, October 09, 2014

RDR Pre-Lube Trail!

EWH3# 852: The Choose Your Own Adventure/RDR Pre-Lube Trail!- 6:45 PM Thursday, October 9th, Deanwood Metro (Ballbuster- Orange Line) and Eastern Market Metro (Regular- Orange/Blue/Silver Line)

 BALLBUSTER: Thursday October 2nd, 2014. Meet at 5:30, Pack away at 6PM SHARP!
REGULAR: Thursday, October 9th, 2014. Meet at 6:45, pack away at 7:15!

BALLBUSTER: Deanwood Metro (Orange Line)-follow marks to start!
REGULAR: Eastern Market (Orange/Blue/Silver Line)- follow marks to the start!

BALLBUSTER: St. Pauli’s Girl, Whisky Business, Big Bang, Blows a Tranny and RPI
REGULAR: Sphincter Shy. Whoregon Trail, Red Vag of Courage, Six Pigs and mystery hares.

Weather: PERFECT. I guess the RAs are good for something!

Miscellaneous Crap: SO. MANY. PEOPLE.

On On On: Phase 1!

Virgins: Just Mij, Just Nik, Just Nicole, Just John, Just Pablo, Just Melissa, Just Lauren, Just Kelsie, Just Brendan, Just MJ

Visitors: 5 O’Twat Shadow (Tidewater H3), Chew Toy (Voodoo H3), Cock Ness Monster (Voodoo H3), Deer Near (SOH4/Utica BTN H3), Dickie Wong (Voodoo H3), Dirty Virgin (Cape Fear/Carolina Trash H3), Duck Duck Oops (Skull and Boners H3), Extra Virgin Anal Oil (JustMaddy H3), F.A.R.T. (NYCH3/GGFM), Free 2 Lay (H5), Hand 2 Hand Cumbat (Hariettes for Healthy Hooters/DCRW), I Am What I Eat (Heidelberg H3), Imagine My Erection (Voodoo H3), Motherload (Crescent Shiggy/Voodoo H3), One Trick Dick (Utica BTN H3/SOH4), Penis Colada (NOH3), Penis Fly Trap (Skull and Boners H3), PhWedgie (H5), Slam Bam Thank You Lamb (Voodoo H3), Starship InHerThighs (CKH3), Stinkfinger (Oregon H3), Texticle Teaser (Voodoo H3), Wet Spots (Oregon H3), Straight In the Navy, Barefoot Youngdung (ABQH3), High Speed Cock Bumper (Tidewater H3), Pom Pilot (SOH4), Anatomically Incorrect Ken (Alamogordo H3), Wieners Out (Madison H3), Vanilla Is a Flavor Too (Carolina Trash), Ooh That Smell (Carolina Trash), And They’re Off… On My Face (Carolina Trash), Drunk Neighbor (Tidewater H3), Gag ‘Em Style (CUNT)

See? I told you there were a f%=k ton of people. Circle was so noisy, I lost my voice for a week. Blows a Tranny has never been happier.

Oh yeah, and we had some VIOLATIONS!!!!!!

Before trail began, All Flash No Drive gave me some words of wisdom. She said, and I quote, “all you gotta do is hang in there, make it short and make it naughty!” Excellent advice, AFND!

(Isn’t this the weirdest gif? I mean, is she naughty Pinocchio? Adding that to my “Halloween costumes to consider” list…)

You Sucked My Battle Dick was heard comparing her vagina to a Ferris wheel. Because there’s lots of riders, but she still takes you to new heights every time!

(Boys be like “no way am I waiting in line, it’s my turn next!”)

Jew Cock A lived up to his namesake when he was approached by little kids who immediately pointed at him and screamed, “wow he’s hairy!”

As Christina Aguilera once said, “you’re beautiful, no matter what they say.” So you do you, Jew Cock A. You do you.

Muppet Rapies came into beer check late because, quote, “I got lost in a bush and couldn’t find my way out!” In my mind she looked something like this:

Uncle Bad Touch was asking for jewelry and a wig for red dress because his dress “just doesn’t have enough flair.” The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, UBT.

Mouth Full of Clam confused chlorophyll with chloroform. Yikes.

And finally… the NAMING!!!!

Just Lucy is a neuroscientist, went to Oxford, and wants to have sex with Speedy Gonzales. She swiped her V card at 17 on a boat (with T-Pain, naturally), and then her parents walked in! She pooped and peed her pants at 7000 feet before jumping out of an airplane to escape from a man she had just copulated with. Rife with interesting stories, the names were thrown around pretty early for Just Lucy. The crowd favorites were The British are Cumming, Rip Whored, Parapooper, and God Save the Peeing. The crowd voted, and henceforth and forevermore, Just Lucy will be known as God Save the Peeing!

On- just thinking about red dress weekend makes me nauseous- on,

Mr. hEd